Conversations with the Guide

Anxiety Assignment 1 - Batch 4
3/19/2023

I feel the sensations mainly in my midsection. They feel dark and heavy and sticky. There is a sense of something bad will happen if I don't escape. I want to face this and stay with it. My headline EXHAUSTED, BRAVE WOMAN FACES FEARS. 
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Excellent! That’s all that’s required. I truly hope folks are seeing that from this exploration. A person is terrorized, made to live in fear and dread, then one turn to shine a light on what’s actually happening is all that’s required to see and be free. And, here’s my favorite part: All the lifeforce of each EXHAUSTED, BRAVE WOMAN OR MAN is being held hostage behind the unexamined fear/dread/anxiety/worry. There’s truly nothing there except lifeforce that has been hijacked. It’s our lifeforce and instead of it being here, fueling us in a life of lovingkindness and joy, it’s being locked away in ego’s food locker! Open the doors and it’s ours. You know, for a while we regularly played with this: Wake up in the morning, look in the mirror, smile, and say, “Whatever” as we head out into the day. At the end of the day, look in the mirror, smile, and say, “Oh, well.” The point? Love the human being and lose all interest in assessing, judging conversations with ego in conditioned mind. Gasshō
 
Where are you, where am I? My neck, jaw and eyes tense up. Going to sleep, attempting to relax. Mind nags like ""am I doing this right?"" What is next in good use of my time? Space out, drop pan. Gut tight. Behind, a taunting laugh.
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Yes. So important to see how mean and nasty egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate is. It wants us to believe it’s on our side, trying to help us, protect us—hogwash. It’s vicious and ugly and we don’t have to watch for long to see that. Here’s a very simple little exercise to play with: Each time you hear that nagging ego voice ask, “Am I doing this right?” simply say a very enthusiastic YES! Interestingly, the voice is saying “I” although the message is “you.” Are “you” doing this right? It’s subtle and if you watch sort of out of the corner of your eye, you’ll see you’re “being talked to” rather than being the one doing the talking. Are you doing this right? YES I AM! Then watch closely. The same ego voice questioning you about the rightness of your action is going to argue that “no, you’re not.” That’s a “Gotcha!” moment. You’ll get to see it engaging in one of its dirty little games and, at that point, you can enjoy a chuckle of delight. You’re going from hunted to hunter. Now rather than the nastiness of ego’s “games,” you get to enjoy the fun of hide and seek with Life, realizing that Life wants you to win! Gasshō
 
Anxiety attacks feel like being hit with a cattle prod and seem to come out of the blue. But I can feel ego lying in wait at the edge of awareness talking in whispers to see if it can get me to panic again in a similar situation. R/L
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Oh, that’s so perfect! It’s probably where the idea of click bait came from. Will s/he go for that? How about that? What about now? What about this? You make very clear why we must be so diligent in our practice. Egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate never sleeps. Never loses focus. It distracts us, but it’s not distracted when we are. When it gets us distracted, it’s hyperalert. We have to learn to be even more alert. Yep, we’re going for Buddhahood here! Gasshō
 
Pulling apart the layers, I see that what causes anxiety for me, are the ever present ego voices. Nothing to do with content, but what is said about it. Getting anxious about writing this. Focus on the present moment, breathe, gotcha!
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Yes, indeed! Ego attempts to get us to give all our attention to content and content has nothing to do with anything. As we’re fond of saying, “It’s not what, it’s how.” What’s happening? Doesn’t matter. It’s what we’re being told by ego voices in conditioned mind that is determining our life experience. Oh, there’s another one: The quality of our life is determined by the focus of our attention. That’s what you’re describing, yes? Voices want you to get anxious about writing the response. You keep attention in the present, breathing. No problems. Just the fun of a Ha! Gotcha, you nasty little blighter. Gasshō
 
LIFE IS OUT OF MY CONTROL! claustrophobia is triggered when in a dental chair or MRI tunnel. Crushing my breath, red hot flashes up and down the spine. The story has been "Let me outta here." But now I see that's only part of the equation. I'm not in control.
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We are soooooo not in control. It sounds as if in realizing that, there’s a bit of a possibility of curiosity about the experience? Is it still possible to breathe deeply? What do red hot flashes up and down the spine feel like if there’s no resistance? We hear all kinds of stories about people being in horrifying circumstances and having transcendent experiences. What if those could be had in dental chairs and MRI tunnels? Bet the prices would go up—is it possible those things could be more expensive?  Gasshō
 
I let myself feel the anxiety and then asked "what does this behave just like?". I saw ego inflate a large & rapid experience but behind it I saw something small, simple, using the same tools every time. Headline: "ego, like the wizard, is just a man behind the curtain"
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More like a little creep behind a curtain, huh? A nasty little bully. Greedy. Wants all your life force for itself. Sometimes in practice we hear people, because people are kind and loving, either ask or opine about giving love to self-hatred, that little creep/bully. This is always discouraged because that’s simply another manipulative ploy on the part of egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate. What’s possible for us is to learn to direct attention so we can practice keeping attention on Unconditional Love, thisherenow, the present. The illusion of a self that is separate from Life, ego, does not/cannot exist in the present. Thus, no ego and no problem. Attempting to embrace egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate in love puts ego right where it wants to be, with our attention on it. A situation we do not want to foster. Gasshō
 
Noticing how distraction operates to avoid "unpleasant" (scary)? feelings. Any distraction will do. Am practising awareness to a) notice it, b) say "ok show me this big scary thing", c) let go! d) take a deep breath and refocus my attention on this moment. Feeling Grateful for the support. Gassho.
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You have laid out the perfect recipe for going beyond suffering! Those five steps will take us from any suffering to “just fine and grateful” every time. Hoping everyone will take this up for at least a few turns to have their own experience of it and practice their own application. Thank you. The process is much like getting a friend’s recipe for what seems a complex and high-level dish. We gather the ingredients and start through the steps. The result might be not quite what we’d hoped for, not quite the way it went for the friend, but we can sense we’re going in the right direction. We try it again. Better. Again. Better still. Now, we’re starting to gain some confidence. Soon we’re even adding our own touches, experimenting a bit. Awareness practice or an exotic dessert, the process is the same! We can master either. Both! Gasshō
 
The voice says "Really, everything is ok, so what's there to be anxious about?" but the tone is condescending and not helpful. Anxiety often slips under the radar having been subtly suppressed/masked. Also noticing anxiety can be a 5 alarm fire at the drop of a hat.
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It’s not unusual to see/hear adults “teasing” children in ways the adults find funny and the child does not. What you describe seems a variation on that theme. All conditioning is frightening at some level. You need to do X in order to have/get Y. If you don’t perform properly, get it right, behave appropriately, say the correct thing, please, meet the standard, etc., then you’re going to have a price to pay. Stress? You bet. Then we hear, “What is your problem? There’s nothing to worry about.” And, yes, the tone of voice is not kind and supportive. It’s not a, “Hey, I’m here. Just let me know if you need anything.” It’s a, “For God’s sake, get a grip! Stop your whining and get on with it!” Yes? We do everything we can to ignore our feelings, distract from facing what’s going on with us. We have no ability to deal with it, and if we try we’re thwarted and taunted. The whole thing goes underground u n t I l all that suppressed energy erupts in reaction to an ego voice in the head screaming the equivalent of WATCH OUT! Adrenalin shoots through the system and we’re left in that paralyzed, terrified place people have been describing. Now is the time for us to apply your neighbor’s recipe, especially the first two steps. Notice and bring it all out in the open. Which is what we’re doing here. Good on us! Gasshō
 
I saw something new in familiar snake story: It's a metaphor for ALL life content! Also saw that thinking breeds anxiety (seems obvious now but it was a revelation). Anxiety doesn't exist in the present moment. Conditioned mind actually scans for things to worry about, in past or future. Gassho
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Well seen! Anxiety, as with all suffering, cannot exist without thinking. Is it any wonder that in an egocentric karmically conditioned/self-hating society thinking is so important? Let’s just all stop here to take that in, please. It is not possible to be unhappy without thinking. We have to think ourselves into unhappiness. When there is no thinking—in that “space between the thoughts” we talk about—there is no unhappiness. There is only thisherenow in the space between the thoughts. HERE. PRESENT. NOW. BEING. No “one,” no “self” separate from Life, no ego, no suffering. When we’re unhappy we can observe that we are “thinking unhappy thoughts.” Those unhappy thoughts can be about the bad/wrong past or the bad/wrong future or the bad/wrong “my life currently,” but it’s the thinking that is making it all so. Your last point is an essential one for us all to recognize: Conditioned mind, ego, is always scanning for something to worry about, always scanning for something wrong/something lacking, missing, not enough. That’s the con, the scam, the bamboozle we’re attempting to find our way out of. That’s the suffering we’re waking up in order to end. Oh, and in case anyone is hearing ego voices making suggestions along the lines of, “Well, that’s swell, but without thinking how would you ever get anything done,” allow me to reassure you that ego is the process of NOT getting things done. It’s the process of fear, anxiety, worry, dread, avoidance, distraction, beatings. LIFE is the process of “getting things done.” LIFE is “doing” everything; ego is getting in the way. The Intelligence, clarity, wisdom, love, and compassion we all know exists and is possible for us is right here, waiting for us in the space between the thoughts. Gasshō
 
When I act on an anxious thought to try to alleviate the discomfort/ fix the perceived problem, the action intended to fix at best perpetuates and more likely creates the very conditions that make the thought so. 
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Wise, clear, and true. That’s precisely how it happens. What you’ve offered adds additional clarity to what was just discussed with your neighbor. It’s a loop, isn’t it? I feel anxious. I try to do something to fix “what’s making me anxious.” That simply reinforces the anxiety. I’ve just proved to the “anxiety system” that I am anxious, believe there’s a “cause” for the anxiety, and that it’s real. It’s what’s meant when someone talks about using gasoline to put out a fire. Yeah, it’s a liquid, but all liquids are not created equal! This is why we like to compare ego to a drug dealer. We buy those drugs once and we have a dealer for life! That dealer knows we can be caught in a weakened conditioned and we’ll buy again. How many times before we’re addicted and a consistent customer? Ego could tell us. Ego has done it to us countless times in ways and places we haven’t yet seen. But we are on the hunt and we will see them soon. Gasshō
 
Anxiety, you are most prevalent in my life. That backdrop of angst, even when everything seems fine. You arise subtle like a wave or violent like a tsunami depending upon how threatening my thoughts are about the triggering event. I'm trying to be present and observe rather than swept away. 
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Well, this set of responses is definitely for you, isn’t it? Sitting still. Watching. Seeing how it happens. Not trying to figure anything out. Not trying to get away. Facing it. And, what you’re talking about, what you’re catching onto is that it’s not the “anxiety” that’s the issue—it’s the thoughts! “… depending upon how threatening my thoughts are…” If any of us got text messages, notes on our front door, letters in the mail saying, “I’m going to kill you,” we can imagine we’d be getting some energy coursing through the body. Right? That’s scary. What if it’s true? We don’t know. It could happen, you know!!! That’s exactly what it’s like when the ego voices start a terror campaign about the future. We don’t know. It could happen exactly the way the voices are saying. It could be awful, horrible. We could die. What we get to see in the “be present and observe” mode you’re practicing is that nothing is happening now except a hateful “conversation” in conditioned mind designed to frighten and control us. What we’ve been scammed into believing is that those thoughts are somehow helping us, preparing us so we can avoid awful things that could happen to us. As our old t-shirt reminded us, Worry Is Not Preparation. All that getting caught in anxiety loops does is 1) rob us of this moment, and 2) have us attending to thoughts in the head when being present in the moment would have saved us! Gasshō
 
Anxiety seems experience of wanting something ('I''m not getting). Realized stopping and turning to the experience, sitting still with it, works so consistently because shifts attention away from the 'wanting' (which seems synonymous with separate-self) to Here/no separation, so no reason/no 'one' to want anything. 'It is all of me." 
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That’s a great exploration of “how” an illusion of a self that is separate from Life is created and maintained. There’s just THIS and i/I am a part of THIS. ONE. ALL. Nothing left over, nothing left out. Then that little “i,” the only “thing” with the ability to experience itself as separate/other, looks around and says, in essence, “Being one with all is not enough for me. I want more. I don’t want to just be. I want to have, to do. Yes, I used to be happy, but now I’ve tasted sugar and I want to have more sugar. I’ve ridden a bicycle and now I want a car, a faster car, a newer car, a better car, an airplane! I want. I want. I want.” And that ability to experience “other” turns into a growing desire to have, to possess that other. More. More. More. The happiness and the satisfaction of being, of being alive, of enjoying Life in the moment is in the past and receding quickly. “I want more. I feel dissatisfied. How do I know I’ll be all right? I want more so I can be sure I’ll survive. Guarantee my future. Know I’ll be okay. No. I don’t want more, I need more. I’m afraid. I need more so I won’t be afraid.” And, there we have the life story of egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate. Once we believe we’re ego, that the voice in the head is us and is speaking for us, we are off full-tilt in pursuit of what we’re being told will make us happy, but is instead the road to hellish suffering. Where is everything we truly, in the Heart, do want? HERE. ‘Tis why we practice awareness, isn’t it? Gasshō
 
 

Anxiety Assignment 1 - Batch 3
3/18/2023

That which you fear is causing you to fear. The process that presents itself as preventing anger and self-hate is creating the anger and self-hate. Underlying belief: the world is hostile, "I'm" not adequate. "I don't know what to do" (in a forlorn, little voice) triggers this process. R/L Gassho
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That’s it. As you have obviously seen clearly, that “forlorn, little voice” is not signaling a little person in need of help and support; it’s triggering not only fear but also all the anger and self-hate required to keep a person in misery. Egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate is narrating a constant story of what a bad, hostile, dangerous place the world is, full of bad, dangerous people. Then it offers the solution to this horrible situation—stay home and sit on the couch with it! From this distance it’s easy to see how this happens, isn’t it? The ego voices in the head tell the horror stories, pointing out all the evidence of awfulness. Not just with you, with everyone! So, we have all these perfectly fine human beings living in terror of one another, feeling under threat, believing they’re in constant danger, being told what they need to do to survive. We each become more isolated, more self-centered, more dangerous and cruel, not because that’s how we are, but because that’s how we believe we have to be to survive this hostile, alien environment! All lies. All in place simply to feed an insatiable hungry ghost of an ego. We don’t usually make movie recommendations in this practice, but for all its wacky moments, “Everything Everywhere All At Once” is quite a remarkable awareness practice film, exploring this very process. Gasshō
 
As I looked at the process behind anxiety, I saw a bunch of conditioning spouting a bunch of stories to scare me. One of the big ones is reviewing everything I need to do at work with the underlying belief that I'll never get them done, then problem-solving. Gassho. R/L
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All with one purpose: Keep the human being out of the present, out of the moment in which happiness is and ego is not. Why do we fall for it? We know better, don’t we? Yes, but over and over again we get pulled inbecause we’re good people. We suffer as we do because we care, not because we’re bad, wrong people who need to be punished. That’s a huge piece of the lie. “This bad stuff is happening to you because you’re a bad person, a wrong person, and you need to be punished so you’ll change and be better.” NO. This suffering happens because we are good, kind, loving people, and what we love is being used against us. In your case, you really care about doing a good job. You want to get everything done and done well. True? So, ego can torture you with threats of not being able to do a good job. Once we’re afraid, we’re easily controlled. I’m scared and I’m looking for someone to help me. Ego is right there to help me out! I’m conditioned to be so grateful “not to be alone” that it never occurs to me the help is never forthcoming and I remain in the same suffering place year after year. Well, not the same exactly, because, as we’ve all noticed, the stress takes a terrible toll on us. The good news? We only need to see it, get it, once, and we’re well on our way out of the trap. Gasshō
 
Waiting to learn about beloved cat's diagnosis and prognosis. Conditioned response is to feel anxious about results. But, practicing presence and acceptance, there are sensations and tears and smiles and cuddles, without anxiety. Anxiety seems to come from a process of pushing away: "Maybe it could still be ok??" R/L
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Yes. Anxiety, fear, dread, worry—all the same thing, right? All the same “something is going to happen in the future and I’m not going to be able to stand it.” What you’re pointing out is that when we fall for the “let me focus on and fear the future” scam, we miss the very thing we’re told we’re going to miss when this dreaded future comes to pass. “What if my beloved cat dies? Oh, no, I can’t stand it. It will be too awful.” That’s where I’m living. That’s what attention is focused on. It’s all made up, imaginary. The cat is very much alive! But I’m not with the cat, loving the cat, enjoying the cat. I’m off with an ego conversation in my head about how horrible it will be when the cat is dead. Once we see it, we realize it’s insane! Until we do, that whole process can be presented as the good, right person way to be. “I care so much. How can I not be miserable about the thought of my beloved cat dying?” It’s hogwash, but most of us have bought it. HERE. HERE is where the cat is. HERE is where LIFE is. HERE is where LOVE is. And, HERE is where we want to be. Gasshō 
 
Exercise like anxiety: when not in front of me, the experience goes underground. Schedule, exercise, eating hide it. When present, the past experience defines the present experience not the content in the present. I'm meant not to see what is actually so in this moment. Gassho R/L
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Oh, exactly! Yes, we’re never meant to see what is actually so in this moment. And, “underground” is how it’s done. Most of any given day goes by unnoticed, doesn’t it? Are we there for it? Well, sort of, but not really. We know we shower and eat and work and exercise and do chores, but are we really here for them? Not really. Days sort of slide by as we “look forward” to the moments or days when “I’ll really enjoy myself.” Most of our hours pass with us in a sort of “virtual reality” with the body in the moment while “we” are in an imaginary world, in a conversation in conditioned mind about all sorts of things that are neither here nor now. (Perhaps I’m just projecting here and no one actually has this experience? You’ll let me know?) Then, periodically, or regularly in some cases, we’re made to “come to” for a big dose of something wrong/not enough. We forget something or make a mistake or someone gives us feedback that’s painful or we get injured or a loved one has problems—whatever—and we need to “be here” for the upset. We get through that with whatever amount of suffering we survive and we return to “life underground.” Again, seeing this as it actually is, rather than continuing with the ego story we’ve been fed, can really up our enthusiasm for getting out of the head and getting into the present! Gasshō
 
Headline: Each Moment Brings Choice. The Zen story with snakes was in awareness often. I'm supposed to fight against anxiety, give in to it, be dragged along by it... not see the possibility of choice. Choices include noticing sensations, noticing being caught up in stories, and not feeling bad. R/L
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That “not feeling bad” has been enough of a theme already in the recent yearlong retreat that I’ve asked Ashwini if she will write a Musings article on it. It’s so important! The feeling bad piece is the glue that holds the whole mess together, isn’t it? I’m anxious. Again! I see it and feel bad. That’s the end of that story and guarantees I’ll be stuck right there, right where I’ve always been. However, when I have the experience you’re pointing us to—I’m anxious, again—and I see that and I stay right there with that experience of anxious, openings happen. Awareness is possible. Insights, clarity. “Hows” get revealed. Now there’s no way I’m going to feel bad because I’m excited, enthused, thrilled with the things I’m seeing. Transformation! Yes. Choice. And, as practitioners of awareness, not feeling bad has to be our first choice. As we say often, awareness (spiritual) practice doesn’t begin until the beatings stop. Feeling bad is a beating. Not feeling bad is the solvent that dissolves the ego glue! Gasshō
 
In extreme anxiety-producing situations, I can feel numerous body sensations: tightness in chest and throat, quickening heart beat and brain fog. It's difficult to know what to say or do and there's a feeling of desperation. When crisis is past, worry sets in and conditioning replays the situation repeatedly. R/L
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This is good! How is that possible?, you may hear a voice in your head asking. What you have going for you in these situations is the only thing you need—awareness. There are sensations in the body and “brain fog.” You don’t know what to say or do, and there’s a feeling of desperation. And, “You” didn’t miss a thing. All that’s happening with you and with everyone else who struggles with a “this is happening and it shouldn’t” situation—which is all of us—is that you’ve been conditioned into believing that 1) sensations mean what you’ve been taught they mean, and 2) unless ego is in control “you” are in danger. In fact, nothing “bad” happens to you, does it? You’ve been conditioned not to like, want, or enjoy those situations, but that’s not the same as something bad happened to you. Here’s another way it could be framed: Egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate was shown to be incapable of dealing with life. That is a very good thing to realize! What now? Eagerly anticipate the next opportunity to be in that situation. When you are, STOP. Stop and watch closely. Bring all attention and conscious awareness to what’s happening with you. Attend wholeheartedly to all of it in expanded awareness. I project you’ll realize that it’s a whole different reality without the small mind of ego interpreting. Gasshō
 
Investigator focused on ANXIETY excavates through deep resistance to discover: old memories, future catastrophes, frozen body parts & more. All using amazing tool called PRESENCE. Stay tuned for more exciting discoveries!
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Stunning, and yes, exciting, isn’t it, to realize that all we need is PRESENCE. (Excellent use of all caps.) HERE is all we need and it’s all we want. All we’ve ever wanted. Happiness, relaxation, love, sweetness, kindness, appreciation… Name a something the Heart wants and it’s HERE. (Had to add “Heart” to that sentence lest ego slip in with its imaginary, dualistic impossibilities such as rich, famous, thin, and forever young.) Want to feel something? Get HERE. Want to have something? Get HERE. Want to be something, do something, know something? Get HERE. You’re on it. PRESENCE is the whole deal. Gasshō
 
I found a headline! Then I spent many days in my head about this response. "I'm supposed to write about my process doing the exercise? Is that right?" That was unhelpful. Helpful to really look at what's behind the curtain, as it were. gassho.
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Well, yes and no. What we are is (here we come up with a lot of fingers pointing at the one moon there are no words for) LOVE. LOVE in a form. What we struggle with is egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate. What is egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate? It’s everything we’re not, but have been taught to believe we are. So, you got to see how the ego voices caught you in a loop in conditioned mind about “is that right/is that wrong?” That same system wants you to believe that process was unhelpful, but seeing that process is very helpful. That process—getting stuck in loops in conditioned mind with ego—is what keeps us from looking at what’s behind the curtain. With me? Whatever we’re seeing is helpful. Engaging with the voices of ego is not helpful. Seeing the voices of ego, hearing what they’re saying and recognizing it as lies, is extraordinarily helpful. Because the only way you can see/hear what ego is doing is from awareness. Yes? Gasshō
 
Remarkable to see anxiety as a complete loss of focus and the sense that focus can never return. Every decision in the past was wrong and inability to make good future decisions. Self hate embodied
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Indeed. It’s hideously cruel, isn’t it? Everything a human being is is used against that human being to feed a hateful, cruel system. And you’ve seen it. You’ve seen it and seen it for what it is. Now you, we, get to step back again into that larger perspective that lets us realize it’s all good. We have each learned vast amounts of stuff in our lives. We didn’t know the ABCs or how to brush our teeth or multiplication tables or how to read or play games or sports or drive a car or, or, or. Was that learning wrong? A mistake? Of course not. We accept all of those as necessary. Just how it is. We can’t be expected to know things we don’t yet know. Right? Except if we move out of the realm of “stuff” and into the realm of “you should know.” For example, you should know not to lie, even though growing up you watch the adults around you lie all the time. You should know how to be, what to do in situation after situation in which you have no experience at all. In the past you made a decision that, given everything you knew at the time, seemed like a good decision. Things resulted from that decision that you could not possibly have known about, and the voices of egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate come in to beat you up for making such a stupid mistake. Yes? You fell in love with that person and the relationship was a disaster. Was it? What did you learn? How else would you ever have learned all that? If you’ve been reading along you’ve read the encouragement to STAY with the experience. Loss of focus. What is that? Stay with it, bringing all attention and awareness until you see it for what it is. Hint: the word we use for it in practice is bamboozle. Have fun! Gasshō 
 
As I sit with it, I see behind the story is a puppet master pulling strings to take me from center. If I can focus on the puppet master's task instead of sensations and meanings, I escape ‚All just ego trying to get me again‚ nope, not falling for that!
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Moving from “what” to “how.” Moving from being in a conversation in conditioned mind to thisherenow. My favorite example is from learning to hit a golf ball. Right at the top of the back swing a voice in the head whispers, “You’re going to miss it.” Sure enough! That’s actually a perfect example of how we get fooled into believing egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate has something to say that we need to listen to. It was right! The voice said I would blow the shot and I did. I don’t know how it knew that, but it did! No, it didn’t. All that is ever happening in these situations is that attention goes to the voice in the head, leaving no one present for action. I missed the shot because I wasn’t there to make the shot. It had nothing to do with the ego voice having miraculous powers of seeing the future! But that sort of thing has happened incalculable numbers of times through the years until it certainly seems as if ego knows. Afterward ego is right there with an “I told you so.” But it doesn’t know. It can’t know because 1) it’s a program, 2) it doesn’t exist in the moment, 3) it always comes in after whatever happens. So, yes, staying focused on the moment, being with the human being, giving no attention to the voices in the head removes all “power” from the “puppet master.” Gasshō
 
Fear of failure, abandonment. That even God would be disappointed of me. Before every action I have to make a choice: is this the best thing I should do? If not, could it get to a terrible consequence? Feeling stiff, hard, cold...longing for warm, soft, acceptance, hope. R/L Gassho 
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Please read what was just offered to your neighbor. Then, here’s a little exercise to play with. You have to make a choice. (Ah, before we get to that, would you please begin a regular, constant practice of reminding yourself that you are a really, really good, kind, caring, loving human? How do I know that? You’re agonizing about every single thing you do! Only really good people do that. So, do add that to your daily/hourly R/L practice.) Then, each time you have to make a choice, sit down with the Mentor (via R/L, of course) and go over the situation. Bring out your concerns. Explore them from every angle—every angle you have available to you! Even the Mentor cannot see the future. Then make your choice—and watch with eagle eyes every little, tiny thing that happens. Watch how the ego voices start looking for trouble, mistakes, bad outcomes, framing everything in terms of what could be wrong and how it is or will be your fault. It won’t take many of these before you’ll see the ego scam for what it is. And, just to keep in mind: We are not in control. We can agonize and let ourselves be tortured by hateful ego voices, but none of it changes the fact that we have no control over anything. Us having control and making everything go the way we’re conditioned to believe it should go is just not what’s going on here. Gasshō
 
Anxiety shows up like stomach ache, lack of appetite, head throbbing, heart racing. The feeling is only fear. The thought channel is magnified. Stories about whatever the content means invades any peace. Life or death. It must be resolved immediately or I'll die. It becomes the master. 
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Exactly so. As was suggested earlier, it’s the puppet master and we, the human beings, become the puppets. What we’re doing here is cutting those strings, right? What we’re getting to see is the breadth and depth of our brainwashing. We’ve been trained like creatures in a science lab. Bell rings and we do what we’re programmed to do. In our case, it’s not a bell, it’s a shot of adrenalin that follows some form of “Oh, no!” That first sensation triggers the thoughts, the emotional reactions, the stories, and, as you say, it’s life or death. It could be a reminder that you missed a meeting or didn’t return a phone call or there’s a mistake on a bill or or or or or. Yes? It’s exactly what happened to us when we were little kids. We had no idea what set people off, but everything seemed to be of equal importance and all capital offences! Spilled your milk, didn’t pick up your dirty clothes, got a B instead of an A, didn’t feed the dog… YOU ARE BAD!!! Yep, it has managed to turn every moment into one of life or death, and the toll on health, wellbeing, and happiness is very clear in the symptoms you describe. That’s why it’s essential not to get talked out of bringing the conscious awareness that will free us. Gasshō

Anxiety Assignment 1 - Batch 2
3/17/2023

Turning around to face my biggest anxiety/fear (loneliness, abandonment) and take a really close look at it stopped me from running away from it in a panic. Yes, it was a fear of not being able to stand it--that was the actual anxiety-source. Everything new now. 
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Good for you! Egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate is not just a bully, it’s a coward. It gets by with what it gets by with because people were made afraid so long ago—long before we can even remember. As little, tiny people we got yelled at and punished and we learned to be afraid. (Those of us who are parents needn’t fall into a pit of guilt/self-hate for having destroyed the lives of our children. We had no choice, just as our parents had no choice, and just as our children will have no choice. There’s nothing wrong with any of it!) We’re afraid and when sensations and feelings that signal “this is scary and awful and means something horrible is going to happen to you,” and then voices give us scary messages, we get frightened and try to run and hide. Pretty intelligent, really. Got us through childhood and we have no proof it wasn’t necessary. However, here we are now, big people, ready to show ourselves that we can stand anything. We’ve stood everything so far, even things we were told we couldn’t stand, and that same old, same old voice threatening that, “Well, you were lucky before but this time…” really is old news. Great job!
Gasshō
 
Anxiety is a signal that I'm out of my depth and unable to perform as others do. Having a difficult childhood where I was continually berated left me feeling inadequate compared to others. These feelings cause me to hide my thoughts for fear of being discovered and ostracized. R/L Gassho
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Well, I know how strong the conditioning is to believe and accept that sort of narrative, but it just isn’t true that it’s unusual or unique. We were all compared, and even those we thought were the superstars getting all the adult accolades turned out to be just as insecure as we are. If you read along or listen to folks in practice, that becomes clear quickly. Because of the privileged environment, people in Sangha don’t know one another personally, but I know pretty much everyone and I can assure you the people struggling with your same issues are very successful members of society. All the hiding out does is to protect ego. The reason people can reach adulthood—even old age!—and still believe this stuff is that they listen to ego tell them to hide out, if they don’t they’ll be seen and abandoned, so they hide out and continue to believe the lies. This guarantees that ego remains safely in control of a human’s life and life force. Risk it! We know who/how you are and haven’t ostracized you! Here’s a word of caution: You know the people in your life who judge and criticize you. Don’t start by baring your soul with them! If you feel safe with Sangha, be yourself with Sangha—which you are and do already—and accept that you are accepted as you are. That’s proof that the ego voices are lying to you. Gasshō
 
Many anxieties identified with different ages, sensations and times they appear. Some obvious, some sneaky. Deeper exploration is the identity of simply being the "anxious person" in general‚ practicing with disidentifying from that one. Fear of thinking I have no control of outcomes is the resistance to just being present.
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It sounds as if you know we have no control of outcomes. True? If you know that, you don’t have to entertain any voices talking to you about having control. You can just remind yourself and the ego voices that there’s no such thing as control. We’ve been talking a bit so far about children and how the messages from childhood will still run a person’s life if the person isn’t paying attention. The belief in control is nothing more than a big person version of a form of the magical thinking that occupies the world of a child who has no idea how anything works. (As much as people want to believe that doesn’t go on in the very rational mind of the adult, it not only goes on, it runs a great deal of the show!) For instance, my favorite example: “You should have known better.” This belief, embedded in childhood, has people convinced that it is possible to know what cannot ever be known—what is going to happen in the next moment. The whole notion of being able to know what’s going to happen “next” is insane, yet people deeply, deeply believe it’s not only possible, but they should know and it’s their fault if they don’t. Control is an illusion, and, yes, helping a person realize that gives them the life ego has been taking away from them. Gasshō
 
Due to incessant ego yammering, low grade "anxiety" is the default mode whenever attention is not on Awareness. Redirecting attention thousands of times a day to Thisherenow is the most effective (seemingly least utilized) anti-anxiety medicine. Am building up to "thousands"; am currently at "dozens" on a good day... Gassho 
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Well, that’s what Awareness Practice is, isn’t it? We’re training. This is where sports analogies are so appropriate, even if annoying. Steph Curry? We might need to count the numbers of times he’s thrown a basketball at a hoop in the hundreds of thousands. In the beginning he probably missed a lot of those shots. Now, not so many. Over and over and over with, as one of our heroes says, a consistent and persistent good attitude. Why would a person want to do that? Because there’s something the person wants more than they want to hang around with ego’s persistent and consistent bad attitude. That’s us. If we don’t practice awareness for the love of it, for the LOVE of All That Is, we might as well just hang it up. If we love it, if we love the human being we’re attempting to end suffering for, we’ll do it. Doesn’t matter how long it takes or what we have to get past. It’s LOVE and we love it! Gasshō
 
I face fear - the battle begins over and over until it feels like I won't survive. Yet with daily practice and sangha - I get back on my feet - after a long period of darkness - again any yet again. I survive, surrender with gratitude on my knees.
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Well, I’m going to go out on one of those proverbial limbs and make a suggestion one might find on an organic granola box or tea bag: You’re not just surviving, you’re thriving. True? Okay, I bet the voices of egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate will shriek their imaginary selves hoarse at the mere mention, but I’m going to stick with the projection. The one thing we can know is that there’s no such thing in life as coasting. We’re either ascending or we’re descending. It may take us a while, especially if we’re in close conversation with the voices of ego in conditioned mind, to realize we’re sliding downhill, but sliding we are. OR, we’re in ascent. Again, could take us a bit to realize it since the ego voices are violently intent on convincing us we are no such thing, but rising we are. We have to encounter what we need to transcend. Ego wants to make each encounter—with it!—a mistake. We should be past this, through this, way beyond this point by this time. Not true. Each encounter is a new one. We don’t want to lump them all together as ego would frame it. We make it past one hurdle. We’re racers! What does that mean? We have another hurdle coming right on up. That’s how we get stronger, better at getting past hurdles. THRIVING! Gasshō
 
Saw that "anxiety" is a label for sensations (the snakes). The conditioned response is to use them to DISTRACT the human from Being, Here. The prompt to look at the sensations was all it took to see them for what they are and get HERE. Big thank you!
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You are so very welcome! The ego voices would love to use what you said against people so let’s just confirm right here and now that that’s not necessary. Here goes: When we face something squarely, anything that ego is threatening us with, that’s all that’s required to see through it. True, that doesn’t mean it won’t try to return and work its evil magic on us again, but that particular bamboozle will be on its way out. We have learned thousands of skills in our lifetime. With each of those there was a learning curve. We don’t see it, don’t see it, don’t see it—boom! See it. With math, a sport, a hobby, even if there are negative voices there ragging at us, we want to learn. We’re trying to look at it squarely. Looking squarely at what ego has made so frightening for us is much more difficult. But the process is the same. We have to really want to see it and see through it. Gasshō
 
Anxiety hovers around, attempts to seep into the body and mind". Longstanding experience of sensations, urgency, so much to do, heart pounding, something wrong. Practicing in early morning to simply observe all this on awakening, and not engaging/believing in the process allows curiosity, dis-identification. Come back here, home. R/L Gassho
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As we practice in the way you describe, here/home becomes more familiar and more desirable. We want to be in that stillness, the peace and quiet of thisherenow. We’re looking for it, seeking it in a way that withdraws attention from ego’s shenanigans. First-thing-in-the-morning practice is wonderful because we’re stronger, not so “pulled down” by what the ego voices do to us all day long. Adding stopping each time we’re aware of the busy/urgent sensations for that same kind of curious-just-watching-and-not-believing practice moves the “getting home” process along quickly. Gasshō
 
Anxiety/worry I have notice in the last few years has played a major role in my life, something I used to think was other people, not me. I can see also that it's another thing form of conditioning, that I can consider letting go!
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Well, I hope you’re going to do more than “consider” letting it go. Living in the dualistic “world” of egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate, we humans get pulled back and forth between “it’s all a disaster and will get worse” and “it’s all going to work out and be fine.” In this country that shows up clearly in how few people prepare at all for their financial future. There’s a belief that somehow, against all experience, something is going to happen for them that will make it all ok. You point at a process that, if attended to, could replace suffering with peace and freedom. In the yearlong retreat it was recently noted that being in awareness, practicing awareness, is easier earlier in the day. As the day goes on the ego process beats a person down until, for lots of folks, getting to the end of the day translates into “how can I go unconscious as painlessly as possible?” That happens on a daily basis and that happens as the years go by. The lifeforce weakens and we have less oomph to use to go up against ego’s torture campaigns. Said in a simpler way—the moment we see a way to end suffering, it’s wise to hop on it! Gasshō
 
Don't understand; too much; can't do this.' Ringing ears, brain; breathing shallow; heart pounding; stomach churning. Run self-hate gamut zipping light-speed between past and future. Overwhelmed, unable to focus.. Not meant to see: giving story attention causes suffering; I'm adequate to experience; ending human's suffering in moment accomplishable with presence.
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Whew! Grateful we got to that conclusion! Yes, ending a human being’s suffering can be accomplished with presence. Your description of how egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate operates is spot on. What on earth would make a person think there’s a way out?? The campaign ego wages to fuel the suffering it feeds on seems overwhelming. The ego voices are certainly telling us suffering is inevitable. Which is so very important to catch on to. The information about the inevitable, overwhelming nature of ego’s power is all coming from ego! It’s an impressive campaign, but merely its own story nonetheless. Let’s all imagine for a moment that the negative “you” voices (you can’t, you should, you shouldn’t, why did you, they think you, it’s too much for you, too hard for you, you’re never going to…) ended. Went silent. What would the world look like? What would your life, “you” be like? We believe the hatefulness and we suffer. We don’t need to. Ending a human being’s suffering is accomplished with presence. Gasshō
 
"Imaginary anxiety hides unshakable confidence." That's my headline from this assignment. I see that the meaning that gets attached to the sensations is the real problem! It creates the "something wrong" and fear that is called "anxiety". Without the meaning, it would just be sensations. R/L. Gassho.
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That’s it in the proverbial nutshell. Human beings can be conditioned into believing anything. We have been! Advertising is proof of it. We’re so brainwashed to look “outward” at whatever “reality” is being offered up by the voices in the head that it’s massively difficult to get it that the “reality” we’re living in is being created by the voices in the head, not by what we’re seeing “out there.” Once we see that, once we know where to look, all becomes much easier and clearer. The question, “What does that mean?” brings us the curiosity that takes our life from suffering to fascinating. What does it all mean? As you’ve noticed, “it” doesn’t mean anything. “IT” “IS” and because IT IS, we ARE, and because we ARE, IT IS. “Imaginary” is the world of egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate and we don’t need to have anything to do with it. Gasshō
 
All-Encompassing Black Ink Blob. My sense of anxiety is NOT just suddenly, overwhelmingly present as I once thought. It's a process that I can step into and dismantle after examining the feelings, sounds and inner dialogue. Like a squid squirting her ink, the blob is preceded by a hidden fear.
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The “blob” is preceded by a fear that was hidden, yes? Now you’ve seen it. Now, as we were just talking about with your neighbor, “anxiety” has been replaced by interest. Now we’re scientists, explorers, detectives, with the insatiable curiosity of a child. Now life is fun, fascinating, amazing, thrilling. Now we can see that “same” is a lie, that we don’t need to try to change anything because everything is changing in seconds so split we can’t conceptualize the duration. Figure anything out? Understand? Know? Get guarantees? Worry? Are you nuts??? Thisherenow is All That Is, and we don’t want to miss one of those split seconds of it, do we? Gasshō
 
Brilliant, unnerving, ego-triggering visualization! A hard assignment, until it dropped in that fear equals aversion. Began to see ‘my' fears as aversions on steroids. Then, how all dislikes are fear containers, and how fears become big dislikes. All resistance to being with what is. Snakes are; I chose the fear.
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Bingo! Snakes are; we have to choose the fear, the anxiety, the dread, the horror, the suffering. Not separate from snakes? They’re fascinating. Separate from snakes? We see them as other, a danger, a threat and suffering is inevitable. With ego, everything other than it and what it wants is a snake to be frightened of and avoided. When we see through the scam, as you note, we realize that the only “snake” is ego. Then, the fun begins, right? Ah, I see. Fear equals aversion. Dislikes are fear containers. Fears and dislikes are synonymous. All of it is simply serving to give ego a safe place, a cozy “container” in which to, like the parasite it is, live on the life force it siphons out of the human being via “you don’t want that, you don’t like that, you hate that, you never do that, that’s too scary, you’re going to fail and look foolish, everyone dislikes you, just stay home and stay safe, don’t risk anything, you’re not up to it….” Gasshō