Conversations with the Guide

Anxiety Assignment 1 - Batch 10 - Final
3/25/2023

I’m not meant to see ego is negating the joy of witnessing Life unfolding, reframing it as an uncertain future. It generates hope of an “improved” future, then feeds on that energy—you’re not good enough—through to despair, the back and forth concealing the close proximity of joy.
++++++++++++++++++++++
The very good news about this approach is that while it seems as if it’s three “issues” (negating unfolding and reframing as an uncertain future, hope of an improved future, and the despair of being told you’re not good enough), it’s actually only one—a belief in the validity of “proximity.” If joy is in close proximity, then while it’s nearby, it’s not available now. Something needs to be different—sounds as if that comes down to you improving to be “good enough”—and when that difference happens, joy will be here. Joy is not in close proximity. Joy IS. Joy, actually JOY, is a synonym for HERE, for BEING, for LIFE. So, why is that not our experience? Because we’re not looking at JOY, for JOY, through JOY, In your case it’s because rather than eyes on JOY, you’re looking at something wrong/not enough. “Am I feeling the joy of witnessing Life unfolding?” “No, you’re not,” answers ego. “Joy is not available to you because your future is uncertain. Joy could be yours if your future were better, but since you’re not good enough to create a better future, well, no, not in the cards for you.” Nothing joyful about that, is there? We can make it more concrete this way: “I want to experience red. I really, really want to see red. I so hope one day I will. It would be so wonderful to live in red.” This is what I think about, sitting in a field of red flowers, lamenting the “fact” that there’s no red for me. Want JOY. Give all the attention to JOY and JOY will be yours. Gasshō 
 

"Thoughts Thwart Feelings" When bodily sensations draw attention away from thinking or unconsciousness, with sustained effort, usually results in noticing a buzzing sensation in the middle abdomen. Staying with it, the vibration consumes the body with painless, sometimes profound shaking that usually lasts a minute or so. Gassho.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
How exciting! It sounds as if you’re describing attention moving out of the head, where it’s consumed in unconsciousness, and brought back to the body, where you can actually feel the feeling of feeling alive. You must let me know what evolves, please. The vibration is painless; the body is not resisting. Going to be interesting to learn what egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate has to say and wants to do about this! Ego does not take lightly interference with its program of rendering its “subjects” unconscious! It truly hates it that we’re waking up. Gasshō
 
What I'm noticing: anxiety protects me from doing something that self-hate will really beat me up for. Energy sucked up to maintain it. R/L is an intervention into the process: releasing energy, lightening the heavy smog, caring for the human without judging, cultivating freedom and joy.. begin and continue repeatedly. 
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
That’s big. We’re never supposed to see through a hoax like that. Anxiety is protecting you. If you didn’t have anxiety to come in and take care of you, you might do something that you’d get a beating for. What a load of horse pucky! But, until we see it for what it is, it seems/feels real. Lots and lots of people have wanted to convince me that fear is necessary and good because it keeps us safe. “Without fear what would stop us from just walking out into traffic?” I suggest intelligence as an alternative! Little kids are made to be afraid because adults believe they have no other way to protect them. What rarely happens is that someone comes back around when we’re old enough to understand to let us know 99% of the information we got as little kids has absolutely no application in an adult life. Sadly, for that information to be delivered it would require someone who has the information, and almost no one does. Thankfully, we do—now! Gasshō
 
Be the right person or you're going to hell. Seeing the constant low grade, barely perceptible vigilance, tension, fear of fear. Seeing the fatigue that results from trying to control // be the right person. Little things tap into the underlying stream of anxiety. Practicing with recollecting. Releasing. Gassho R/L
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The real information there is: Spend your life trying to be the right person and you will be in hell. It’s truly insane. People are so willing to believe messages that are cruel and hateful, and have so much difficulty accepting messages that are kind and loving. Why? Fear. It’s better to live in hell now than risk not living in hell now and winding up in hell later. The old “a bird in the hand…” just doesn’t seem to cut it. It is for this reason that awareness practice is so essential. No one can convince us of this stuff by telling us. Fear won’t let the information in. But we can pay attention, see for ourselves, prove it to ourselves, and be free. Gasshō
 
Magic trick of energy vibration. There is a sensation of vibration in my solar plexus. Some times a sense of danger. Breathing stops in anticipation of what happens next. Magician moves me to think fast what this means. Then a relief of understanding and now I can breathe again. R/L
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Are you “thinking fast” or are you “seeing clearly”? Is it “understanding what it means” that gets you breathing again or is it letting go of labeling the energy vibration “danger”? Gasshō
 
The theme of the anxiety/fear/ego was last week "Stuck in Ambivalence/Heartbreak," this week it's "Worry about Dental/Financial/Health." Now I see the main headline "Alone, Helpless, Hopeless." 
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Are you also seeing that anxiety/fear/ego always has a headline? Always an assessment of you and your life, and none of them is ever good? There’s no “Brave Human Lives Successfully Despite Ego Negativity.” No “Remarkable Person Survives and Thrives.” No “Person Sticking with Plan to Overcome Ego.” None of those? Nothing like that? How come? What’s the payoff here? Do you know the Woody Allen lament of, “If only insecurity and neediness were attractive”? Just for your consideration: You are clearly not alone. I’m here writing to you. Probably talk with you on a regular basis. You have an entire Sangha engaged in the same process of ending suffering you’re in. You are clearly not helpless. You’re here. Alive. With a computer and internet access! And, finally, you are only as hopeless as you want to be.  It might be time to start giving some attention to all you have and see if the list is longer than the list of what you don’t have. Gasshō
 
It is easier to see snakes and just be in constant terror of them than to deal with the true feelings (and conditioning) that lurk behind those snakes. Things like fear, lack mentality, grief, sadness, and more fear and grief.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Really? It doesn’t sound easy. Terror of the imagined versus facing what is so? The only reason that sounds reasonable is that you haven’t tried facing it. The woman who was for decades acknowledged to be the world’s foremost expert on grief and loss, Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, stated that an authentic emotion doesn’t last more than 20 seconds. 20 seconds! So, what’s happening that people live for days, weeks, months, years in fear and grief? They’re not in fear and grief. They’re in a bunch of stories that keep making them afraid and sad. If you spent all day watching first a scary movie and then a sad movie and then a scary movie and then a sad movie, you would feel either sad or afraid all the time. You just would. That’s how it works. But, if you spent all day with Life as Life is, periodically you would be moved by something that put you in touch with fear or sadness. You would be HERE, you’d be present, you’d see the sensation and the label and the emotional reaction and the behaviors that have been associated with that sensation, and you would see a whole lot about Life and you. Here’s my best encouragement: Those are not “true feelings” lurking behind those snakes. Those are ego bamboozles and they are there to rob you of the beautiful life you will have when you stop giving them attention and instead give attention to Life as Life truly is. Gasshō 
 
Practiced looking at anxiety when I could remember. Saw deeply ingrained patterns of intense pressure to turn away from it immediately with numbing/distracting behaviors, increasing suffering exponentially. In the instances when I was able to STOP, DROP & LOOK, I saw that using awareness techniques brought presence and peace.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
And there we have it! Egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate is desperate to keep us from looking at what is so. DESPERATE. Numbing, distracting, beatings over numbing and being distracted, promises of pleasure, delivery of pain, anything to keep a person from facing what’s happening squarely. Why??? Because we won’t be able to stand it? Because it will be so awful we’ll take one look and die? We will be so injured, so damaged that we won’t be able to go on? NO! All that hysteria is in place to keep us from seeing there’s nothing there. Why is the Wizard of Oz so popular? Not the movie, just the image of the little guy behind the curtain? Because we know that’s what’s going on. Does “knowing” that give us the courage to pull back the curtain? Not right away, but it doesn’t take many of those “stop, drop, and look” moments to give us all the courage we need! Excellent. Gasshō
 
What I noticed in exploring the exercise and the sensations labeled anxiety was how much self-hate and denial of the human being there was in the constant refrain of "I don't want to feel this way." R/L
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Perfect. Precisely. It’s not about you, is it? That’s not you saying, “I don’t want to feel this way.” That’s the quintessential body-snatchers-ego-takeover. We don’t know we’re identified with ego. That identification is so old and so familiar that of course this is me! But it isn’t, is it? It’s a life-taking, energy-sucking system that is using a human being like a crop. Growing the energy through self-hate, judgment, criticism, denial, and negating and then harvesting that energy for its own use. What it sounds as if you’re seeing is “In fact, I DO want to feel this way. I want to feel this way and that way and every way a human being can feel. I am a sentient being and I want to be sentient. I don’t want to be told how I must think and feel and be! I want to be fully alive and live every moment of my life!” Yes? Oh, I do hope that’s a correct reading because, if so, the message is very inspiring! Gasshō
 

Anxiety Assignment 1 - Batch 9
3/24/2023

What becomes subordinate in awareness practice with anxiety is being present to this life. I can choose not to participate or collude in its campaign by refusing to be attendant to its ongoing messaging and instead go into sensation. Anxiety sets up choices of reaction and invisibilizes opportunities for reflection.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
It’s nigh onto impossible to see the constituent components when they’re all superglued together. Anxiety is a superglue. Could be argued that all labels are. All words are. Alan Watts tried to help people to see the danger of living in words in the head by offering the image of a hungry person walking into a restaurant and eating the menu. Your choice is a good one. Drop all the “it’s thises” and “it’s thats,” and turn attention to the sensations. As you tease them apart and see past the labels, as well as the beliefs and assumptions attached to them, those constituent components will become clear and obvious. Now you’re Here. Here is where we get to see it all. Here is where we see through the ego scam and where conditioned reaction is exchanged for a response to the moment. Gasshō
 
Existential constant worry absolutely my experience. Body tense, uncomfortable. I'm talked into not taking care of body so the physical bad feeling is perpetuated. Constant repetitive what's wrong obsessing in the mind, and a feeling of digging in the heels, I get so talked into going with it. R/L Gassho
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
It’s addiction. We’re all addicted to egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate. We got talked out of being with our Self, long ago, way before we can even remember. We bought the lie that what we are is a person, separate from/other than the rest of life. Alone, isolated. We’re in survival. It takes us a fair bit to realize that what’s surviving is ego and that we have been tricked into making ego’s survival our priority. You believe ego is you. That system of negativity is what you believe you are. You can’t see that it’s a voice in your head telling you to worry and what to worry about, making you tense, convincing you not to take care of yourself, banging on endlessly about what’s wrong, being resistant. You can speak the language of “I get talked into,” but what you’re not seeing yet is that it is ego talking to ego. You’ve yet to realize that the only way you could know what is happening is that you’re watching it. You’re seeing it, hearing it. You’re not doing it, you’re observing it. That clarity will drop in at some point and your relationship with the whole process will change dramatically—in a moment! Until then you get to keep doing what you’re doing—practicing. Paying attention. It’s plenty and it will take you to where in your Heart you know you’re going. THISHERENOW. Gasshō
 
Headline - "Research finds that anxiety has the ability to manifest itself through physical pain!" It causes me back, shoulder and buttock issues. It is a mutli-color blob that all mixes together to make a big black ball. Through causing pain, it has the ability to capture all my attention.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Well noticed, clearly stated. Yes, it does. A while back we were talking about ego as the superglue that will take disparate threads and solidify them into a nasty ball of misery. Or pain. I truly hope you will stick with this exploration, and I hope everyone reading along will join you. Because what you’re catching on to is HUGE. In the moment, when we’re Here, with Life as the moment unfolds, everything we need is available to us. Everything we want is also available to us, but that’s a slightly different discussion. You feel a twinge. Attention goes to the twinge. What is it? You don’t know. At that point you can watch conditioned mind kick in with all sorts of “answers.” The more you watch, the more you will realize the ludicrous nature of the process. Ego is throwing any and everything at it. You will quickly see that all the suggestions are ones that will trigger you. Yes, that’s very difficult to see because the things that trigger you, trigger you because you believe they’re real and true. Brain tumor. Cancer. Gonna be crippled. Whatever is the worst a person can imagine is going to be the result of that twinge. Now, it’s got a person. Right? But what’s the alternative? Should we just ignore it? What if it really is serious? Well, it might be, and our best chance of knowing whether it is or isn’t is staying present, in the moment, with Life, where the Intelligence That Animates is informing us. Not where it WILL inform us, where it IS informing us! There’s a balance we can find when we’re following Life’s guidance. We’ll be able to take care of what needs care and ignore the rest. This applies to EVERY aspect of Life. Gasshō
 
Looking through the looking glass and don't know who is there, my partner or me. Is my partner me or me her or someone else? "There is no self and other as the awareness of pure undisturbed consciousness slips into all consciousness." Gassho
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Well, I’m not sure this is what you’re wondering, but it will be an excellent thing to explore, win, lose, or draw. Everyone is you. Everything is you. You are projecting all of it—you, her, them, that, those. All of it. There’s only a looking glass and no way through it. There’s nothing on “the other side.” There is no other side. There’s only thisherenow and no one to step back and see that. We can be it, but we can’t see it. So, what to do? Nothing. All we’ve got is “pay attention.” Pay attention and we’re at the vantage point: Awareness. Those questions about you and your partner are being asked, wondered about, in conditioned mind. That’s a terrible place to be unless we really do want to keep on suffering. Slipping into all consciousness is possible when we let go ego noodling and get HERE. Gasshō
 
Awareness is operating all the time. All I need to do is bring myself to the assignment/experience/material. Awareness does the rest. In contrast to ego story, "I have to everything by myself." What I'm not meant to see is revealed: How supported I am in this moment. R/L Gassho
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
BINGO! Now, write that bingo in really big letters, color it in bright colors, hang it up where you will see it all the time. (Paint a wall with it!) That is so it. And, here’s the best part of all: That’s true not just in “this” moment. It’s true in every moment! Gasshō
 
"Don't take your eyes off the snakes" has shown me ’anxiety' is ego self-hate. It's always there, using any means to keep me scared and controlled. ‘Anxiety' is an opportunity to see it. Other ‘fear' is more subtle, and under the radar, but equally if not more dangerous. Gassho R/L
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Great point. We sort of get dulled to the milder forms of ego control, don’t we? After a while we don’t even see fear for what it is. It’s just being careful, cautious, concerned, intelligent, responsible. It can even be framed as paying attention, aware. Life is dangerous. We have to be smart about things. Yes. It’s more dangerous because it operates so completely under the radar as our friend, confidant, and supporter. My pal, fear. Anxiety, of course, would love to be perceived in the same way. Anxiety is there when things REALLY ARE scary, REALLY ARE dangerous and threatening. When we REALLY DO need a big warning in a hurry. Except, as we’re noticing, fear is controlling people and anxiety is killing people. Is the expression that the cure is worse than the disease? Blessedly, we can realize we don’t need either of those “supports.” We have Life and there’s nothing to fear in Life.  Gasshō
 
I noticed that my "anxiety" was mainly based on the fear of not being able to handle what was in front of me or what might come later. The sensations of clenched teeth, tense stomach, and hunched shoulders felt similar to what I feel when experiencing worry and dread. 
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Yep. All the same thing: worry, dread, fear, anxiety, concern, nervousness—panic. All include clenching, tensing, and hunching. When caught in any of them, what we’re unable to recall (Recollect) is that we’ve always been able to handle everything that’s been in front of us. When what might come later is an issue it’s because it’s happening now, and we’ve always been able to handle what’s happening now. Such a bamboozle! We believe what we’ve been tricked into believing, in spite of all evidence to the contrary, and we refuse to accept what is so, in spite of all our experience. Can make us feel crazy until we realize the magnitude of what repetition is capable of. This is what’s true, this is what’s true, this is what’s true. As little kids we hear that about a kajillion times and finally we give up and say, okay, it’s true—even though we know full well it isn’t! That’s not true, that’s not true, that’s not true, that’s not true. Yeah, it’s true! But how long can a little person swim upstream against a rising current? Okay. I give up. Yeah, that’s not true. And off we go into our lives knowing what we know, in our hearts, and trying to be all right living the lies. Is this true for everyone? Nope. Just us lucky spiritual types! Gasshō
 
Like the woman in the story, I often wake from sleep with the said affliction. Worry about "problems" that will, if not dealt with urgently and correctly, lead to a terrible future state. How does it feel to address these "problems" from center? That's the shift I'm going for.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Not to give anything away, but… here’s how. Ignore them. You’re in bed. You’ve been asleep. Is there anything you can do about said circumstances? No. All that’s available is to worry. Now, worrying will eventually kill a person, but what worry will NEVER do is solve a problem. Never. Why not? Because worry is worry and solving is solving and one process does not lead to another. Here’s an example one can hear people refer to regularly. Big issue. Huge problem. Agonize. Suffer. Churn the brains into mush. Exhausted. Can’t go on. Drops in: mow the lawn, wash the car, do the laundry, clean that window you’ve wanted to clean. Partway through the project, HUGE BOLT FROM THE BLUE! Got it. See it. Wow. So simple. So obvious. Know what I mean? So, what happened? Attention was locked in on a fight to the death in conditioned mind between ego and ego. That battle took up the whole universe. No room for anything else. On the way to mow the lawn/fold the laundry/polish the window, attention left the ego drama. Attention moved HERE, to this moment. As attention shifts to HERE, there’s an opening and Intelligence takes advantage of it. Solution appears. Miraculous. Years ago, a woman came to see me at the original ZC in Mountain View. She was a doctor of something or other, doing research at nearby Stanford. She wanted to check in with Zen about something she was doing. Here’s what she described: “When I have a big issue, some gnarly problem, I do all the research I can on available information. Everything I can find. Then I go into my office, close the door, put my feet up on my desk, lean back in the chair, close my eyes, and wait for the answer.” THAT is what we’re talking about! Life wants us to be successful, but won’t force success on us. We have to do our part—show up and be open. Worry is the antithesis of show up and be open. Gasshō
 
Sensations I have labeled "anxiety" intensified before my piano lesson. During R/L it dropped in to breathe into the sensations rather than go into the negative predictions about how poorly I would perform for the teacher. The sensations remained but I didn't engage with them. Enjoyed the lesson!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
That’s fabulous. I do wonder if part of the issue might be “perform for the teacher.” Is that what’s going on? Is that the reason for taking piano lessons? To perform for the teacher? Gasshō
 
Didn't recognize anxiety until It showed up around having to be prepared before getting on RLB calls and in the queue. The more I look, the more I see the subliminal program/process of worry and fear - coping and "controlling" by ignoring, pretending, and stubbornness. Eager to explore further! Gassho R/L
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Isn’t it remarkable what we don’t see?? We really are trained animals. Not “like” trained animals. We are trained animals! I wonder sometimes if what we enjoy so much about very small children and non-human animals is their untrainedness. They mirror for us what we’ve lost. What we can have again. Freedom. Looking to one’s self for direction. Choosing direct experience over “the right answer.” A little kid can stack blocks until all the adults in the room are ready to implode. Kids get “moved along” regularly because they can stay in one place way longer than the adults can tolerate. A cat or a dog can just “lie there” for long periods of time if nothing of significant interest stirs them. What are they doing? Perhaps they’re not doinganything. Perhaps they’re just being, just alive, as we were before we got information about “not being enough” and “doing” being the end-all, be-all. However, if we want to see that subliminal program/process you’re catching on to, we need to reactivate that “just being” skill. We can add paying attention, noticing, presence, if we need that to feel more “on it.” As we observe our fellow animals and little kids—more “on it” than we are, friends—we can quickly see that what they’re really “doing” is being attentive, aware, present. Yes? Gasshō
 
Often there's no voices but nauseating body sensations. I experimented with matter of fact stating what the voices wouldn't come out and say. A very direct, "Ok, what should we do about these snakes?" The sensations faded. They do not seem to standup to the light of clear direct communication.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I’ve never met an ego process that could stand up to the light of clear direct communication! That’s why communication is so very unpopular! It’s true. When people simply express, honestly with no blame or shoulds, owning their own experience, what’s going on with them, the snakes of suffering go Poof! So, why wouldn’t we all just communicate that way? Because almost everyone is identified with egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate all the time, and egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate is in the business of suffering. Not feeling it. Causing it. Ego doesn’t suffer. Ego gobbles up energy, lifeforce. Lots of misery, lots of energy, lots of big, juicy meals for egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate. Does that just make us stupid? Or rotten? Evil? Why would we go along with that? Because we don’t know that’s what we’re doing. We don’t think we’re identified with ego. (Suggest to someone that they are and they’ll be mightily offended. “How dare you?!”) That’s why there are two Job #1s in awareness practice. First #1 is to end the beatings; second #1 is to learn to recognize when we’re identified with ego. The second one is actually much harder than the first. That “matter of fact” communication you’re experimenting with is a powerful tool for addressing both #1s. Gasshō
 
Aggregation of external information; Mindful aware noticing of my felt-sense experiences; Readjustment of my orientation to my two primary forms of anxiety (fear-based beliefs and frustration-based solutions processing); Habitual coping mechanisms and reactions still remain in lieu of "substantive" change and adaptation; Stuck in habitual survival-oriented physiology and psychological cycles
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
To be fair, don’t we want to say that you have been stuck in habitual survival-oriented physiology and psychological cycles? If you were still stuck, we wouldn’t be having this exchange. Would we? Yes, it is possible for a person to get bamboozled into “trying” all sorts of approaches to address suffering just so ego can tick off each one with a “another one that didn’t work.” But that’s not what’s happening here, is it? If that’s correct and you really do want to have a different life experience, here’s a suggestion: Pick one thing to practice with, just one. Doesn’t have to be anything big or remarkable. If you’re in the Yearlong Retreat you know we’ve been playing with little, utterly insignificant activities such as making gasshō before walking through a door or stopping each hour for 5 conscious breaths. (We’ve done pat the top of your head or the tip of your nose 3 times—nothing is too small for us.) The point is to choose what you want to practice with and then do that. Do it for a week. It’s not to create a win/lose, feel good/feel bad situation. It’s to begin to be more present. Begin to break up those habitual, survival-oriented cycles. And it will. You’ll be more present. The more present we are, the more present we want to be. Little by little ego’s grip on us is loosening. There are those gaps, spaces where Intelligence can get through to us. We feel that. Recognize it. And we like it! Gasshō
 
 

Anxiety Assignment 1 - Batch 8
3/23/2023

As I sit and notice the sensation in my stomach, I feel the tightness. As I sit longer, it's connected to tightness in my chest and armpits. Underneath all of it is fear, fear that I will completely deflate and not have the energy to deal.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Yes! Underneath all of it is a story, a “conversation,” likely images, of what’s going to happen to you, what it all means. You’re feeling sensations, tightness and they mean “you’re going to completely deflate and not have the energy to deal.” But they don’t do they? Those sensations don’t mean anything. They’re just sensations. If those very same sensations managed to appear in your body on a bright, sunny day after a great night’s sleep you would never conclude “these mean I’m not going to survive.” It’s a program. First comes a “thought.” Very likely not a thought like the ones we’re used to, the ones in full sentences. Just one of those images, memories, flashes of something that signal danger. The reaction to that is the sensations. The reaction to the sensations is the fear—I’m not going to make it. The “deflate” is an interesting piece of the puzzle. The fear is that you will completely deflate. Why the addition of the word completely? Because you’re already “being deflated.” The egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate program is already sucking the energy out of you. You can feel the energy leaving, feel what would likely be experienced as defeat and hopelessness. Yes? You are on this! Keep watching and the power will continue to shift. Ego will no longer be able to do what it does to control you and siphon off your lifeforce. You’re now in a position to watch it, and it cannot do what it does while being watched. Gasshō

When I lead work meetings with colleagues more experienced than me, attention is easily drawn to ego's pushing of the human to say the right thing, the smart thing. If I get hooked into it, suddenly I am mumbling, dropping sentences, wishing this meeting was over! Gassho
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
What a perfect description of what happens to us when egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate grabs the attention. It’s a variation on the “you’re going to miss the shot” theme. You’re going along doing just fine…then the campaign starts. “Say something smart. You need to come up with something good.” Now you’re not with the people in the meeting, you’re off in a conversation with ego in conditioned mind. Not that you’re participating in the conversation with ego in conditioned mind. You’re watching/listening as the voices talk at you. You’re getting further behind, less in contact with the real meeting, the one in the room you’re sitting in, the one you’re supposed to be leading. Anxiety is growing. The more anxiety there is the more attention is focused on the anxiety, the nervousness, the growing panic. Yep, you’re a goner! Watching it as you’re doing makes it very clear that while we’re meant to believe all this concern about “getting it right” is to take care of us, it’s nothing but sabotage, all to feed the ego. You’re going to blow it, get a ton of abuse about what a failure you are, have to listen to endless diatribes about how you need to change, do it differently next time, getting set up for the next verse in the same old song. Fortunately, as a practitioner of awareness, you have the answer: Expanded awareness. Now you get to be in that meeting with attention on awareness. You are participating with your colleagues in the meeting, attending not only to what’s being said, but to all the signals of what’s going on with each person. You also are aware—in much the same way—of what’s going on with you at every level. You’re seeing, hearing, speaking and you’re watching what ego is attempting to do to pull you off, hook attention on it and run its slimy game. Oh, such fun! Gasshō

Anxiety is a conversation in conditioned mind. There is an event /experience/ sensation and that's that - but conditioned mind begins a relentless, often sotto voce campaign to make the case that I am in danger due to that. Tension or agitation builds in the body as a result. R/L
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
All that I was going on about with your neighbor, but so much clearer and more succinctly stated! Thank you for that. In reading the way you lay it out, we can see that much of the tension, agitation—anxiety—is simply the result of attention being pulled in two directions at the same time. “Look over here!” “No, look over there.” “No, look over here.” “No, look over there.” A lot of folks are not good at “multi-tasking.” (This is where I reference the research that showed multi-tasking is an illusion created by not actually attending to anything, but believing we are because attention can move so quickly between things. In other words, as with much that ego has convinced us is so, it’s a fiction.) Many people strongly dislike being interrupted when they’re focused on a task. It’s upsetting. Attention is tunnel vision on one thing and gets pulled to something different. No time to shift gears. Hmm… perhaps a good place to look for the “source” of that tension in the body, the stress, the sensations. Gasshō

My anxiety feels like tightening in the chest and heart pounding, heavy and uncomfortable. Triggered by fearful thoughts. Underlying theme seems to be lack of safety, vulnerability: something could go wrong that could give rise to negative consequence, and it would be my fault: control, the unknown, fear and guilt involved.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
It’s a giant, unhappy, misery-producing “package,” isn’t it? The clarity with which you’re seeing this positions you perfectly for Recording and Listening. Do you have an R/L practice? Here’s why I suggest it. You are very aware that the whole thing rests on “fearful thoughts.” It is absolutely the case that what comes first is a belief that we’re unsafe and vulnerable to bad stuff happening. What came right along with being convinced that life and the world are dangerous was the lie that we can, we should, make sure nothing bad happens to us. It’s up to us. If you’re the right person all will go well. (This includes getting what you want and living happily ever after. Rich, young, thin, and gorgeous.) If you’re the wrong person, you’re going to get pretty much the opposite of what the right person gets—and, yes, it will all be your fault. Now, there is not a speck of truth to any of that. Not a bit or a smidgeon. But, we’ve all been brainwashed into believing it is truth coming directly from the Chief Deity. So, it would be a very fun experiment to replace those fearful thoughts with what’s true. What’s true? We’re all going to die at some point. Anything might happen between now and then. And, between now and then, in each and every moment, there is far, far, far (keep adding those until we hit infinity) more good stuff than bad stuff. First, we’re here. We’re alive. Let’s go from there. We have a body that gets about, senses to take in beauty, to appreciate, to enjoy. Start down that path and you’ll have joyful, TRUE, information about you and your life, and you will lose all interest in giving any attention whatsoever to fear-mongering creep voices whose only intent is ruining your/our glorious life. Gasshō

ESCAPE or you will DIE! Buzzing sensations in solar plexus, feelings of aversion labelled "dread." A story of future torture. Whispered promise: "if you don't look it won't happen." When I stay present, the intensity of escape-urge screeches: "STOP: you'll explode and die." Thankfully, also notice a gentle presence holding.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
And yet you did not explode or die. Oh, my, you don’t think those hysterical voices are lying, do you? Maybe just wrong? Well, if they’re wrong about that do you suppose they might be wrong about other things? Every thing? This is very good, isn’t it? They were wrong about you exploding. Wrong about you dying. Wrong about their predictions. Seeing all of which is what awareness practice is all about. What’s the truth? The TRUTH. We each know, in our Heart, in the Center of our Being that there is something more than the incessant nay-saying negativity of the ego voices in the head. We know happiness and beauty and goodness and kindness and generosity and compassion and LOVE! With all of that, all known to us, why do we persist in giving attention to hatefulness and ugliness rather than love and beauty? Why? It’s what we’ve been taught to do. What we’ve been programmed, trained to believe is the right way. Now we see it isn’t. Now we’re noticing a “gentle presence holding.” Now we get to choose THAT. Gasshō

(Per my good friend): Anxiety feels like pressure on my mind and body. I hold my breath to not be seen or heard. I make myself small, to avoid any attention. My mind is on high alert and I'm at war for my life. I feel hunted, wrong, and bad.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
That’s so heartbreakingly sad. It’s so heartbreakingly sad because it’s so unnecessary. There’s absolutely no reason for it. I have a child. I love my child. I adore my child. I never want anything bad to happen to my child. So, I lock my child in a room—to keep my child safe. Is my child going to be happy? (Let’s all answer that question for ourself.) Of course the person at war for their life feels hunted, wrong, bad—along with every other negative known to humanity. OF COURSE. Now we must ask the truly salient question: Is it worth it? At what point do we get it that the worst is already happening to us? What could be worse than hiding out and feeling horrible all the time? We’ve just got to risk it, right? It’s like the exploding person we heard from a bit ago. There was no explosion! No one died. What happens when we stop believing those hideous self-hating lies? We get to be FREE. We get to be ALIVE. We get to ENJOY and be HAPPY. For the LOVE of God—and Goddess—we have to RISK IT! Gasshō

The process of investigating anxiety was at first elusive: I had a hard time differentiating between all the thoughts swirling and attacking. I felt like I was in a spin cycle. Not clear cut, but what I was able to kind of see was that Anxiety is Conditioning and vice versa.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
You found the off switch for the spin cycle! Excellent. Now you get to see what happens when the spin cycle is off and how it gets turned on again. This is very exciting, isn’t it? Notice, please, that conditioning wants to say you were able “kind of” to see that anxiety is conditioning and conditioning is anxiety. You didn’t “kind of” see that. You saw that! Ego would like you to spend a lot of time and effort figuring out something you’ve already seen. Don’t fall for it. The label “anxiety” is what the sensations, emotions, and stories created by egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate are called. Put together wheels and a chassis and a motor and such and we call that a vehicle. Is there any such thing as a vehicle? Not really. We could take apart all the pieces and we’d never find one called “vehicle.” Same with “anxiety.” No such thing, but we’re trained to go with labels and react accordingly so we suffer over a lot of stuff that isn’t real. Gasshō

Anxiety around my elective dental procedure this month, causes breathing to be difficult. I feel alone and fearful, but then remember that I was guided to trust this decision. I then relax, and breathe into the knowing that all is well. I let go and trust the healing process. Gassho
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
There’s much to be careful about in that approach. Or perhaps, aware of, is a better way to talk about it. We can feel “guided to trust a decision,” but that doesn’t mean the outcome is going to be what we want. All is well, but, again, that doesn’t mean all is well as we think it should be or want it to be. Letting go is crucial. Frees us up, let’s us relax and enjoy; yet, again, it doesn’t mean anything is going to go in a particular way. When we look back over our lives we can recall countless times in which we made a decision, going with the very best we could see, hoping for a particular result, ending up with a whole bunch we didn’t like/choose/want. When we come to the present, we can see how much we learned in those very situations, how we grew and changed, and how each juncture has played a critical role in bringing us here, now. Yes? We cannot control. Wishing and hoping usually precedes disappointment. We make our best call, and what we trust in is the goodness of Life. All is for us, for our wellbeing, leading us to greater freedom and joy. Might be a great deal of pain and “I don’t want this” from ego, but ultimately, as we say yes and accept, we get to appreciate the wisdom and generosity of the Life living us. Gasshō

Anxiety seems contagious. Recollect immediately breathing deeply, calming with the guide, compassion and kindness. R/L Thank You!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Contagious and, apparently, currently an epidemic heading toward a pandemic. But we don’t need to get caught up in it, and we certainly don’t need to perpetuate and spread it. It can stop with us. Will that have any great result for anyone else? We don’t know. It’s kind of like wearing a mask. The battles still rage over whether wearing a mask is/was helpful or not. Why? Well, the first, most obvious, answer is that ego thrives on discord, opposition, separation, and unhappiness. But we’ve been conditioned to want to know. Knowing is how we can be right, and being right is how we can survive. It’s kind of funny in a situation like the masks. If you think wearing a mask will help, you wear a mask. Does it help? Who knows? If you think wearing a mask doesn’t help, you don’t wear a mask. Does it matter? Well, the statistics currently are strongly on the side of, yes, masks are a good idea, which is why health care folks wear them. But does wearing a mask mean you won’t get sick? Won’t die? Nope. So, what are we talking about here? Seems to me it comes down to this: See what you feel best about. Do that. Don’t worry because you know we have no control and what happens happens. Relax. Enjoy. If nothing else, we’ll be more relaxing for others to be around. Can’t stop the epidemic, but we’re doing our best not to exacerbate it! Gasshō

Anxiety is a Matter of Perspective. What I call anxiety involves sensations in my body, often leading to fear. Old pervasive pattern. Ego make me "anxious" about getting my needs met and feeling alright about myself. Seems like an effort to survive. Ego can't control change. Embrace guides perspective. R/L
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
So perfect! It’s all a conversation about what might happen, what could happen. What if you don’t get your needs met? I bet there have been thousands of times, probably many thousands, when your needs didn’t “get met.” And here you are just fine, dandy, and practicing growing awareness. How many times have you listened to voices in the head working overtime to make you feel bad about yourself? Yet here you are getting right along through a wonderful life. It is a matter of perspective and the perspective we’re focusing on is, right here, right now, all is well. Might something go haywire down the road? Probably. It has, bunches of times. Do we want to miss our lovely NOW for an imaginary “then”? Uh uh. We’re learning to call those sensations “thrill,” “excitement,” “pleasure,” and go with enjoying the lifeforce that animates us. Yes? Gasshō

Noticing. Everything's a clue. Difference between anxiety (ego story) versus something that needs attention. Anxiety says something's wrong. When noticing anxiety symptoms, can instead ask what needs attention and attend to it because I know anxiety is a lie. Presence always knows what is needed. R/L
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
“Presence always knows what is needed.” Indeed. And we have to be HERE if we’re to know what that is, right? If we’re off, caught up in one of ego’s OMGs, we’ll miss the moment. What was in that moment will be lost to us. We miss the opportunity and here comes the beating. “You should have… Why didn’t you…” “If only you had…” Yeah, we certainly could have if we hadn’t been bamboozled into following the ego voices down one of those very familiar rabbit holes. Is this the time to feel bad? Absolutely not. (That’s the most familiar of all rabbit holes, isn’t it?) We’re going to stay right here for Life to give us “what now.” Very likely the “what now” will be clarity about what happened. Much needed clarity. The exact clarity we must have to escape ego’s “gravitational pull.” You are so correct that “Everything’s a clue.” We love a mystery, don’t we? Someone tells us the end of the book, movie, play and we’re so upset. They just ruined it! We can suspect Life feels the same way, helping us to solve a puzzle—our life, our karma, our suffering. We can bring the same attitude of eager watching to our own life that we bring to any other fascinating story we don’t know the ending to. Gasshō

Nothing seems Safe. I panicked when my friend's dog ran away. I immediately yelled and forced my frozen body and mind to move from imagining the worst possible outcomes. The dog ran to her beloved neighbor. I detached some love, and it is too frightening to lose her.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Well, that’s true. Nothing seems Safe, if Safe means “everything is going to go the way I want all the time.” If safe means “everything is going exactly as it is going all the time and I get to be here for it,” that’s another thing altogether. If we’re completely honest with ourselves, the way Life works is absolutely fine with us. Everything comes into being, exists for a while in whatever circumstances, and departs in whatever way. It has always been just like that. And, we’re quite content with that because otherwise, as my teacher once pointed out, if it weren’t that way we’d be up to our eyebrows in gnats. What we don’t want is for the rules to apply to us. Overpopulation is a problem. There are too many of us. But I don’t want to volunteer to exit and I don’t want any of my loved ones to go. Or my neighbors. Or people in my community. Or people like me. Or our pets. Or…. Global climate change terrifies me, but I don’t want to hang my clothes on the line or drive a dinky little electric car or not fly to all the places I’ve always wanted to visit. We could go on with examples for days, but likely the point is made. We want what we want when we want it. Because of this the voices of egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate can manipulate and control us through stories of something wrong/not enough. Ego promises to deliver what we want. It can’t do that. And, even though we know it never has delivered, we go on believing because otherwise we have to face what ego says we can’t face—how it is. What a con job! Fact is, facing how it is gives us exactly what we’ve been hoping for, wishing for, and desiring all our lives. Gasshō